


We can get what we want

by kasahara



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 11:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12606028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kasahara/pseuds/kasahara
Summary: Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about what we want instead of doing something to get it. Fortunately, sometimes we get lucky and that desired thing comes to us. In an awkward way, that's true. But don't go on judging Kim Jiwon just because he got himself a virtual boyfriend.





	We can get what we want

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second fanfic, my first in english. I'm sorry if my english is not that good (pls feel free to help me improve it).  
> I hope I can get some feedback on this, would help me improve.

I always wanted to get a boyfriend. I always felt like everybody was living the love life I dreamed about while I was stuck with my fanfics, animes and doramas. For a while, it was enough – I had convinced myself I didn’t have enough patience for romance (real life romance, I mean). Friends would be always talking about their new affair, they would come to me for advice – because I was the calm, rational one – and in the beginning I’d hear some _“what about you, are you seeing someone?”_ but after some _“no time for that”_ or _“not interested”_ the questions ceased and it was like I was asexual and incapable of loving someone in a romantic way. But the thing is, I wasn’t. After some time, I had to see this “not interested” persona turn into pieces while the pain in my heart grew stronger and I ended up with a hollow inside.

 

Between the long study-hours, I find a way to keep my virtual life active. It’s not like I have anything else. I started playing this insignificant online game with insignificant online friends and got myself an insignificant boyfriend. An insignificant virtual life, one may say, but then again, who can judge me?

To be honest, this web-boyfriend seems to be someone nice. I mean, okay, he’s going out (actually, going to missions) with me because I have enough gold to buy him stuff – I guess it could be seen as prostitution but whatever, no judgments here – but I gotta say he makes me laugh. Such an idiot, really! Juneboy his user, what was there to expect? Not that much can be said about me, the Bobby01, but at least I got some philosophy to my name. Why? Because my life has been 0 and 1, all online. My real life happens online. And I sound like a virgin 18 years old – oh, wait, that’s really who Kim Jiwon is!

I tend to keep my virtual friends as far away as I can from my few real ones, but this Juneboy is trying way too hard to get on my personal Facebook. The thing is, we’ve been talking for quite some time now, I’ve been buying him some good stuff for playing and it’ starting to feel like a good friendship – my “no’s” are getting weaker. On the other hand, there’s the web-boyfriend thing. Actually, not much a web-boyfriend and more an online-game-boyfriend-which-maintain-a-wealth-virtual-life-thanks-to-me. And I could pretend there’s nothing much about it – once that’s what he does – but maybe, and I said _maybe_ , I was starting to like the feeling of having some kind of love life with this insignificant being. Which means I’ll be really ashamed if he sees my bunny teeth and eye-smile on my profile picture. I’m not into beauty, gotta say (I accept myself, so) but I’m well aware not everyone feels that way and I’m not ready to let some virtual gigolo makes fun of me. At least, not a virtual gigolo that I like. I think. Well, I guess Juneboy will get another no.

 

 

Only that he didn’t. Exactly a week before I accepted Juneboy as a Facebook friend. Koo Junhoe. The most beautiful creature I had ever seen. Also, someone from my Seoul. Fuck my life. At least he was decent enough to give my profile picture a love reaction and no comments. Obviously the only thing I did was go through all his pictures, always careful not to press like.

I’m not the type that goes around opening himself for anyone who asks cutely and still not expect it to change. So, no surprise my firsts conversations with Junhoe-ssi was about the game – except for him dating my gold –, the shitty traffic and way too crowded subways, the weather and South American memes. Brazilians make the best ones, gotta admit (thanks Hanbin-ah for the tip). Sometimes he would ask more personal stuff, such as my goals on life, which university I would like to go in… but I just didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk about that and would just throw some random meme and he’d unexpectedly get the message and change the subject. To himself, sometimes.

Junhoe-ssi told me until last year his supreme goal on life was to be a musician and even talked about Seoul universities that were known for their music majors. For some reason I don’t know, he had given up on that and began to make other plans. Those are things, said him, I probably would hear more about if we continued to talk (I think it’s his way to get revenge for my silence). I got kinda taken aback because music was my goal too. Better saying, it’s my goal. Not that I want to be a singer, but I’d really like to stay in the backgrounds, composing rap and who knows one day lose the fear of the stage and get up there. But of course instead of telling him that, I had to say a stupid and vague thing like “oh, I see… wonder why”.

To be honest with myself, I don’t expect June to be around for much longer. Not that I’m that dislikable, afterall I have friends, good ones like Kim Hanbin and Kim Donghyuk, but I don’t really know how to act nicely when I feel some kind of interest for the person in question. There was this time I liked this dongsaeng and I was so nervous near him he asked me one day if I had some kind of rare disease that makes me incapable of talking properly. Obviously he was joking and laughed a lot seeing my hurt face, but that’s Jung Chanwoo, forever a kid with no respect for his elders. I wonder what I saw on him… either way, the point is I don’t know how and what to talk to Koo Junhoe and this Facebook friendship will see an end in the next couple of weeks.

 

Only that it didn’t. And that’s why I’m checking myself in the mirror to see if my hair is alright because in 1 minute I’ll be in a video-call with _him._ Geez, man, what am I doing to my life??

We used to have voice-calls while playing but it was all inside the game and our anonymity was well preserved. Right now I’m seeing him smile the brightest smile our Lord has given someone and I swear, my name going out of that mouth is the most precious thing that has ever happened to me.

“ _Junhoe-ssi, how are you?_ ” I wonder how it would feel if I could give him the goosebumps he provokes…

“ _Ssi? Are we still on that stage? No way, man! Bobby-ah, we’re having a video-call, our relationship is next level now_ ”

Our relationship. Oh, dear God, what did I get myself into? Why does my heart act like he’s talking about something beyond friendship? I wish I could make some kind of joke, but instead just laugh awkwardly.

“ _You know, I’m aware of your timidity. That’s okay, but you’ll remain as Bobby-ah. Not negotiable_ ”. He laughs. Adorable. And no, stupid, it’s not about timidity, it’s called having-feelings-for-someone-you-barely-know-because-you-are-a-fucking-needer. I hope this is just my wish for a boyfriend screaming, the need of having someone to cuddle; I hope I don’t really like him, because I can’t see another part of me turning into pieces.

 

Our video-call ended up going for three whole hours. Jesus fucking Christ. We were able to talk about the last South American memes and when I thought we were ready to turn off he threw at me the fact we’ve been talking for 6 months now. Way too much time, I didn’t even realize. And it was like he pressed some trust-button as he began to talk about music and his passion for melancholic and gloomy songs, because some time later I was opening myself up to him.

The way he speaks about music… the only person I know that put such emotion into it is myself. He told me,

“ _When I’m feeling down, when someone disappoints me, I tend to feel the need to live that. I don’t want to suppress the feeling just because it’s not happiness, joy, I think life is also about the sadness. Not that we should drown ourselves in a depressive state; I talk about knowing the limit between a health sadness and one that needs medical care and then knowing that health one needs to be felt. And that’s why I like melancholic and gloomy songs so much, because I can dive into the song and realize things about myself. Music means that to me, getting to know myself, going to different places, some within_ ”.

When I first started to talk to June-ah, I built an image of some random adolescent that spent his hours playing because he was too bored of his active social life. I didn’t have expectations towards him, not even about growing a friendship. I just thought we wouldn’t have much to talk about. However, during the past six months we were little by little getting closer. In an awkward and not-so-evident way, that’s true. But we were not only playing but while fighting monsters we were laughing about random stuff. There was joy in talking to him. And then, two months ago, we saw each other’s face for the first time in a picture and the getting closer process was way more evident. Now, I feel like I can connect with him in a different way. And maybe that’s because deep down I wanted to open up for someone that interested me, because I wanted to see if I was capable of.

 _“I’m not sure you realized”_ he said _“but you sometimes spilled a little about your daily life. How school sucks, how homework sucks and blah blah. Haha.”_ The sound of his laughter… it’s addicting. _“And after a while I started to expect these fragments of you and it was fun to watch you whining about essays. But you know, I wish I could see more of you now”_. Geez, boy, I just let it all out.

For starters, I talked about my passion for rap. I spent some time in the USA, only coming back to Korea when I was 15. By that time, I had been really influenced by the rap culture, seeing it as a way of protest and also as a refuge. Already in Seoul, having practiced for a time, I decided to take the risk and go to a battle underground. I lost, it was bad and maybe contributed to my fear of stages, but beforehand I had been thinking about being in the background, so. Rapping is amazing and it’s like a fuel to me, but it’s also an industry that I’d like to maintain certain distance of. There’s corruption like in every other place and it would kill me from the inside if I were to be part of the dirty. That’s why I think it’s safer to sell my lyrics to artists I truly believe in – at least this is my dream – while I get on small stage for no money.

I don’t really expect someone to understand, that’s why I don’t talk about it. Everything is always about the money, the status, the success, I just don’t want others greed to whisper in my ears I’m going wrong way. The only ones who knew about it were Hanbin and Donghyuk, but somehow it seemed right to tell Junhoe that. Well, he was more understandable than I could’ve imagined.

_“You remember when I told you I had given up on majoring in music? That happened because I realized I loved music way too much to let business get in the way. One thing is to feel, to sing; another is to make of that a living. When I thought about going against my family for a job that would probably make me suffer – if I were to even getting on a stage – I realized there was no joy on that. I was honest enough with myself to admit I wanted to live a comfortable and peaceful life, which meant changing my goals. Music is my fuel, my job will be IT or something. I separated myself in two. Life is hard, ain’t it, Bobby-ah? Haha.”_

In that moment his laughter was not attractive. It messed with my heart, but in a painful way.

 

 

Universities entrance exams to come, parents way too anxious, Junhoe and I decided to study on the public library. Peace, at last. Actually, way too peaceful. Inside that enormous building was very few people and we ended up almost alone in the second floor. I was nervous, obviously.

Some months had passed since our first video-call and many others had come after that. We didn’t have much free time to go out, but we managed to find a cafeteria where we would meet once a week. The place was crowded on Fridays after school, but what to do? That was the best option for us both, being the Sweet Dreams Café near both our subway stations. The plan was to go there only once, but sometimes during the week we found an excuse to text each other “I wish I could drink an Americano after school…”.

The memories we made at Sweet Dreams are very precious. Pictures were taken, Americano was spilled after a joke (I’m sorry I’m not that well-mannered, mother), fingers touched without us realizing and Junhoe would joke to make my embarrassed face go away. There was this day when he didn’t bring money and before I could stop my mouth words came running out of it, _“Oh, are you still dating my gold?”._ I can’t even begin to tell how much I wished I could disappear and how my face was extremely hot from shame. I couldn’t even look to his face and those firsts seconds were pure agony but then I heard his laughter (really loud) and my posture was no longer rigid, my breath getting back to normal. Unfortunately, after that he never forgot that phrase and every time he wanted me to buy him anything he would go like _“Bobby-ah, can I date your gold today?”_.

Well, the library. We never really studied together before and I didn’t know if it was going to be efficient or productive… but I gotta say I wasn’t expecting him to be on his smartphone all the fucking time.

_“Junhoe-ah, can you at least try to focus?”_

“…”

_“Really? Are you serious? You call me just to be away all the time?”_

Not being heard for the second time, I decided to take his phone off his hands.

 _“YA!”_ Geez, that shout surprised even the secretary. _“Can’t you fucking respect my time?”_ While I’m trying to get back to my senses, I see the secretary coming to us. I am way too surprised because he seems really mad at me, like I did something wrong. Remembering I should give back his smartphone, the curiosity posses me and I took a rapidly look at the screen. He was in the middle of two conversations, it seemed; “Mother” and a girl I don’t want to remember the name. Everything is clear now.

 

After the yell and the secretary advertence, we got quiet and each one studied by himself. Well, I studied while Junhoe seemed to be divided between his phone and the books. Okay, to be honest, I was not only studying because my mind was stuck in the thought of Junhoe yelling at me because I interrupted his chat with his girl or whatever. That hurt, man.

At 5 p.m., having paused the studies only to go to the bathroom, we left the library and walked in silence. Junhoe was acting like nothing had ever happened but the same couldn’t be said about me. My heart was aching and the thought of a girl being more important than me was killing me inside. Before I realized, June was saying his goodbye and expecting me to smile back and give him a hug. I barely put my hands around him and quickly moved back. He seemed kinda intrigued but didn’t say anything. I stood in that same place for a while, thinking about my feelings as I watched him going his way.

 

 

The thing is, I didn’t really think Junhoe would correspond to my weird feelings. I knew it has always been a friendship to him, never he gave me a sign to make me think other way. And that was okay, I could live with that, because I felt he was beginning to see me as a dear best friend or something, someone he cared about, and that was enough. Until, of course, I was yelled at just because of a conversation with a girl. Which is normal, healthy, a thing people in June’s age do a lot. And I know I shouldn’t be making a fuss over this, maybe even be happy he has a social life, but my heart doesn’t stop aching.

For the past months, love life wasn’t a constant subject of our conversations. However, I told him about my insecurities, how it kept me away from people most of the time _. “I get what you saying”_ he told _“but the only thing I can think is: I wish you could see yourself with my eyes”_. That made my mixed feelings even more mixed, made my heart skip a few beats and, at last, made me want to stop looking down at myself. Being Junhoe’s friend was the opportunity I was given to open myself, to be me without pretending, be the “yes, I’m interested in dating but I’m too insecure” Kim Jiwon. So, this way June learnt about the absence of romance in my life meanwhile I learnt about his failed (heterosexual, I shall emphasize) date. I made a mental note he was heterosexual and I should keep him as a friend and life kept going on.

Now I look back and I think how innocent I was, thinking everything would end up well if I pretended there weren’t mixed feelings and in the meantime tried to convince myself of that. I don’t even know how to face him from now on. I received a message of him, asking if I got home safe, but I can’t reply. It’s like he will get my feelings from my answer. And the way he acts, caring for me like he’s my hyung… fuck!

The worst part is that I have to keep studying and I can’t focu- - Oh, man. Koo Junhoe, what are you doing to me?? I really can’t believe it… In my notebook there’s a pink heart-shape post-it in which says “Sorry”. I can’t take this anymore.

 

Phone buzzing. I think I may kill someone. Let Epik High sings Born Hater until it gets bored and stop. I look at the screen: 1 a.m. I wonder if there’s still good manners left in this society.

Almost falling asleep and again the phone’s buzzing. I will accept the call and then kill the person.

_“What the hell are you calling me f-”_

_“Hello, hyung. Why didn’t you reply me? Got worried.”_

_“Junhoe? Are you serious right now? Are you calling a student at this hour?”_

I know he’s being cute, I know I always tried to give no signs of my true feelings and that he’s too dumb to notice, but suddenly this situation is really upsetting me.

_“I’m a student too, you know. So, why didn’t you reply me?”_

_“What, was that girl too busy? Please, you spent almost all afternoon chatting. Don’t remember of my existence when is past 1 a.m.”_

I’m probably regretting this tomorrow but whatever. I don’t even know if I can keep myself as close to him as I’ve been. Maybe I need to space out, go out of his zone, where he can’t affect me with his brightness.

_“Now’s my turn to ask is you’re serious. C’mon, I sent you a worried message and you didn’t even care to reply. I thought you were kidnapped and that was why the message was visualized but not answered. I had to ask your mother if you were home.”_

Wait, what.

_“Ask my mother…? Wow, I guess you’re really used to me always being close, ready to answer. Well, guess what, that’s not how things go on”._

_“What the fuck are you saying? You really pissing me off right now…”_

_“So yell at me again, shut the phone on my face, go call the girl you were talking to all afternoon. I don’t even care anymore!”_

_“Wai-“_

_“Sorry, okay? Just… don’t call me. I’m too stressed out with these exams and shit, need time to think. Bye.”_

Oh, God, what have I done?

 

 

Never thought a weekend without him would be so frustrating. The entrance exams were going to take place on Monday and I prayed in every 10 minutes to be able to forget about Junhoe for a couple hours when the day arrived. Half of me expect to hear from him, the other half was afraid he called again. In the end, I was frustrated.

Monday arrived and my parents anxiety was another level. I packed the necessary and left the house with “hwaiting!” echoing in my ears. Barely took a few steps and got myself face to face with Koo Junhoe. After succeeding in not dying, I am now walking side by side with him till the nearest station. Neither of us is talking and I think this silence is way too uncomfortable and I should say something because I kinda of told him to stay away and oh my God his hand is so warm. Hm? Why is he hand…?

Yeah, it’s happening. It’s really happening! Junhoe just held my hand. Why is his face so red? How can he dare to be embarrassed when he was the one who took this step? What-

_“Sorry for the other day.”_

_“Yeah, I got the post-it, that’s okay. But I think I really should stay by myself for a while.”_

_“I thought you’d get my feelings if it was a heart-shape post-it…”_

What is this man talking about? Come to think of it, Junhoe is really weird. To begin with, he spends part of his time sharing memes with me. Sometimes in the cafeteria he would make me spill Americano all over the table doing his mimic thing and then would laugh like crazy. The craziest and prettiest laugh I had ever seen. When I introduced him to Hanbin e Donghyuk, they both said later he and I made a weird cute couple. I laughed, but they aren’t wrong. Even though we’re not a boyfriend couple, we are a friend weird cute couple. Or were. I don’t know anymore. The idea of losing his brightness seems even worst now.

 _“Bobby-ah, I took a time to think of it”_ No surprise there _“and later realized why you were so angry. You know, I yelled at you because I was mad at my mother. She found an advertence from the school and didn’t want me to go out, but I had already told you we were going to meet… well, I ended up spending almost an afternoon convincing her it was better to study with you”_.

Oh, man. I feel like a 10 years old who made a fuss thinking his friend was abandoning him. I’m such an idiot.

_“Oh, I see… Well… I mean, yeah, sorry again.”_

_“Were you jealous?”_

Where did it come from??

_“What? Jealous? What you talking about? I just don’t like it when my friends yell at me after pretending I don’t exist. That’s it.”_

_“Jealous, then?”_

Junhoe is naive and all but he knows how to make one feel uncomfortable. He’s still holding my hand and now looking directly into my eyes.

_“Yes, Junhoe, I was jealous. Can you let go now? We have exams to take.”_

He’s letting go of my hand just to get his arms around me in the warmest embrace. I feel peaceful but at the same time my heart is beating like crazy. This tall man, always giving me mixed feelings.

I suddenly feel his hand going to one of the pockets of my coat _._

_“Hey, Bobby-ah, just get this after the exam. Okay? Promise?”_

 What is he trying to do? Make me anxious during all the exam _?_

_“Promise? How old are you again?”_

His rolling eyes make me laugh. _“Whatever. Promise. Satisfied?”_

 _“Yep!”_ he said smiling. This smile… how could I think for a moment I could be away from it?

Aside from all the mixed feelings stuff, Junhoe is a dear friend. He’s always cheering me up with his bad jokes and mimic, trying to help me feel better with myself… instead of keeping away from him, I should try to see him as just a friend. Think of the good aspects of our friendship and value that.

_“Bobby-ah, one more thing. I’ll be in the cafeteria after the exam, just in case you want to be there too”._

_“Okay… I think I’ll be too tired so I plan to go straight home. But we’ll see.”_

 

That tall man. That fucking tall man with the brightest smile in the world.

He’s sitting in our corner. We sit there because there’re not much people around so we can be as weird as we want. Well, not that we can, but that’s what we do. Either way, today’s different; as I walk toward him, I think that there won’t be spilled Americano and mimic. Or voice impersonation (I recall those times now). But come to think better of it, how would it be, then? To be honest, probably we’ll do the same as always – that’s who we are, a weird cute couple.

_“I love you too”_

And again I see him smile the prettiest smile in the whole world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Pls leave a comment! hah


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